I did a guest "Ask the Expert" column at Some of the Girl's recently. Read my column below:
Ask the Expert: The Rules
My name is Rosezilla and I'm writing an relationship/sex column for Some of the Girls. Let me take a moment to welcome....myself.
I wanted to dedicate my first column to a pet peeve of mine, the Rules. Whether its the book, columns like this, or women's personal rules, every woman seems to have a set.
The reason rules keep haunting us is that they mix great common sense with self-defeating ideas, a potent combination for the single woman. Let's take a look at the MSN colum, Why Guys Marry Some Girls (but Not Others), for some examples.
"Rule" One: She's Exciting and Always Evolving
Common Sense: Talk about the things you're passionate about and that make you unique, and don't look to a man to bring excitement into your life.
Self-Defeating Thought: That date you had last week, that never called? You didn't "act" exciting and mysterious enough. Take up mountain climbing and learn three languages immediately!
"Rule" Two: She Really, Really Loves Sex
Common Sense: Knowing your body and what turns you on, while having sex with someone you're really into, should drive both of you crazy.
Self-Defeating Thought: There's no magic moment when having sex for the first time is perfect, and it's often awkward...I head-butted my fiance so hard the first time, I thought he might pass out!
"Rule" Three: She Makes It Clear He's Not Her Entire Life
Common Sense: Get a life. No one wants a partner who hangs on them 24/7.
Self-Defeating Thought: You haven't played it cool enough and because you had dinner with him twice in one week, he's going to leave you.
"Rule" Four: ...Yet She Still Conveys How Very Important He Is to Her
Common Sense: The man you're dating should know you like him.
Self-Defeating Thought: But tell him the wrong way and he will leave you (see "rule" three)!
"Rule" Five: She Wants Him to Be the Best Man He Can Be
Common Sense: A couple should make each other better.
Self-Defeating Thought: You need to be a "mommy" while making sure that you "make it clear he's not your entire life".
Learn to divide the common sense from the self-defeating thoughts in your rules. In the end, your perfect man is far more likely to be turned off by self-hate than because you called too often.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Help...I'm being accused of wanting a "serious" relationship!
Dear Rosezilla,
It's me, Chilling in Brooklyn, again. I took your advice and kept things low-key with the smothering guy. Suddenly, out of the blue, he wrote me a very serious email saying that I'm a "cool" girl but that he's working a lot and what's to keep things "casual" and is not looking for a "serious relationship". Obviously, considering my last email, I've been pretty clear that I'm not looking for a serious relationship and have done nothing to inspire an email like that. What should I write back?
Dear Chilling,
Ugh. One of my favorite lines of all time is, "cancel my subscription, I'm not interested in your issues."
Some people (ok, a lot of people), have issues. Baggage. I don't even want to guess what this guy's issues are, but he is a classic case:
1. Behave illogically.
2. Blame the other party.
I present to you 2 possible responses. Option 1 will probably destroy any chance of still seeing this man:
Option 2 is short and sweet:
It's me, Chilling in Brooklyn, again. I took your advice and kept things low-key with the smothering guy. Suddenly, out of the blue, he wrote me a very serious email saying that I'm a "cool" girl but that he's working a lot and what's to keep things "casual" and is not looking for a "serious relationship". Obviously, considering my last email, I've been pretty clear that I'm not looking for a serious relationship and have done nothing to inspire an email like that. What should I write back?
Dear Chilling,
Ugh. One of my favorite lines of all time is, "cancel my subscription, I'm not interested in your issues."
Some people (ok, a lot of people), have issues. Baggage. I don't even want to guess what this guy's issues are, but he is a classic case:
1. Behave illogically.
2. Blame the other party.
I present to you 2 possible responses. Option 1 will probably destroy any chance of still seeing this man:
Well, let's see. I've stated on my personal ad that I was not interested in serious relationships. I've never said, 'hey let's talk about "us"' or ask for a key to your place or to meet your parents or have your kids. In fact, you're the one who has been wanting to go out all the time and acting "clingy".
There are a lot of men out there who have these "mini-relationships", where they create a relationship with a woman in their heads for a couple weeks or months and then suddenly dump the woman for being "too clingy". Perhaps you just have some other issues you're trying to work out with me.
Here on Planet Healthy Adult Relationships, people can talk and go out and be intimate without anxiety and guilt. You should visit sometime.
Option 2 is short and sweet:
.....................ok. As I've stated on numerous occasions that I'm not interested in a monogamous/"serious" relationship, I don't see how that would be a problem. I'd be interested to know what suddenly brought this about and I apologize if I haven't been clear on this in the past.Good luck!
Monday, June 9, 2008
An Open Letter to Joel McHale
Dear Joel (I like to think that you're the sort of guy who's ok with being on a first-name basis),
I just read your interview on The Onion. It was very funny, good work. I couldn't help but notice the part where there's only a dozen of you working on the Soup.
I know its unlikely that you will read this and give me a job as one of those people. I imagine those people are the kind of people who always win raffles and lotteries, with complete statistical abandon. I've only won a can of flea powder once. I have never owned a dog.
I wouldn't just be a dead-weight, pity case, either. I truly believe that I am very good at watching TV and being funny. Sure, on every career test I've taken, I've been advised to either be a social worker or truck driver, but with only 12 jobs working at the soup, I think the nice folks at the testing center just didn't want to get my hopes up. I also love Battlestar Galactica and the Tudors! We have so much in common, Joel.
I am a little afraid of having to fight Tyra, possibly in some sort of cagematch scenario. As one of 10 white people living in Harlem, I've developed an acute fear of tall, fierce black women. At some point when I was learning how to make caramel rolls in home-ec in my Minnesotan junior high school, my contemporaries in Harlem were learning Secrets of Ultimate Fighting Champions. I've seen a tiny black woman take down a 200-lb man like he was made of straw. Also, all the subway stairs here are frequently covered in chunks of weaves and/or blood, leading me to believe that there is some Harlem Black Women Fight Club.
Other than fighting Tyra, no task is too small for me to prove myself to you. I would be happy to work without pay, perhaps as your personal pedicurist or child's birthday clown? I would even be willing to wear a swan and stand outside the Today show everyday.
I'm not a hundred percent sure what qualifications are needed to work on the Soup. I have a bachelors degree from an esteemed university, so am I very good at using character spacing to make a paper reach a minimum page length. I am also very good at reading books under a desk. I also speak Japanese and Polish at a very poor level. I would certainly be able to get you medical care or a prostitute in either country. I have never met a printer I couldn't unjam!
Thank you very much for your time and consideration. I look forward to speaking with you soon.
Sincerely,
Rosezilla
I just read your interview on The Onion. It was very funny, good work. I couldn't help but notice the part where there's only a dozen of you working on the Soup.
I know its unlikely that you will read this and give me a job as one of those people. I imagine those people are the kind of people who always win raffles and lotteries, with complete statistical abandon. I've only won a can of flea powder once. I have never owned a dog.
I wouldn't just be a dead-weight, pity case, either. I truly believe that I am very good at watching TV and being funny. Sure, on every career test I've taken, I've been advised to either be a social worker or truck driver, but with only 12 jobs working at the soup, I think the nice folks at the testing center just didn't want to get my hopes up. I also love Battlestar Galactica and the Tudors! We have so much in common, Joel.
I am a little afraid of having to fight Tyra, possibly in some sort of cagematch scenario. As one of 10 white people living in Harlem, I've developed an acute fear of tall, fierce black women. At some point when I was learning how to make caramel rolls in home-ec in my Minnesotan junior high school, my contemporaries in Harlem were learning Secrets of Ultimate Fighting Champions. I've seen a tiny black woman take down a 200-lb man like he was made of straw. Also, all the subway stairs here are frequently covered in chunks of weaves and/or blood, leading me to believe that there is some Harlem Black Women Fight Club.
Other than fighting Tyra, no task is too small for me to prove myself to you. I would be happy to work without pay, perhaps as your personal pedicurist or child's birthday clown? I would even be willing to wear a swan and stand outside the Today show everyday.
I'm not a hundred percent sure what qualifications are needed to work on the Soup. I have a bachelors degree from an esteemed university, so am I very good at using character spacing to make a paper reach a minimum page length. I am also very good at reading books under a desk. I also speak Japanese and Polish at a very poor level. I would certainly be able to get you medical care or a prostitute in either country. I have never met a printer I couldn't unjam!
Thank you very much for your time and consideration. I look forward to speaking with you soon.
Sincerely,
Rosezilla
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Help....I'm Full of Fail!!!!
Fortunately, all (three) Rosezilla readers are full of win! To prove it, I'm giving away a Prepara Chef's Center. This cool gadget holds your cookbook while you cook, protects it from "splatter" and even has an awesome conversion chart. Retail valued at $40, its free to a commenter who answers the following question:
If you were a vegetable, which veggie would you be?
(contest open until June 30th, winner will likely be chosen at random)
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Help...I don't drink so I think anyone who does is an alcoholic!
A few years ago, I went to teach for a summer in Europe. On the weekends, I would go to the town and have a few beers with a delicious dinner with my fellow teachers.
The Midwestern director of the camp was FURIOUS. In fact, she tried to give me AA pamphlets! To this day, I never drink alone and probably average a glass of wine or beer a week.
Hey America: teaching young people to appreciate alcohol, moderately enjoyed with good company and good meals, is the reason that Europeans don't have the rampant problems of college kids binge drinking (and driving). If your religion forbids it, that's fine, but please don't push your views on me.
This is all in response to a letter on Evil HR Lady. I pointed out that there are plenty of companies in America and plenty of countries, full stop, that allow a drink with lunch. But I guess that makes me a stupid alcoholic. Now that makes sense!
The Midwestern director of the camp was FURIOUS. In fact, she tried to give me AA pamphlets! To this day, I never drink alone and probably average a glass of wine or beer a week.
Hey America: teaching young people to appreciate alcohol, moderately enjoyed with good company and good meals, is the reason that Europeans don't have the rampant problems of college kids binge drinking (and driving). If your religion forbids it, that's fine, but please don't push your views on me.
This is all in response to a letter on Evil HR Lady. I pointed out that there are plenty of companies in America and plenty of countries, full stop, that allow a drink with lunch. But I guess that makes me a stupid alcoholic. Now that makes sense!
Help....My friend is marrying a jerk!!
Dear Rosezilla,
I have a friend who is engaged and planning a wedding. Her relationship with her fiance has been kind of dramatic, including a break up of over a year in which he went around shit-talking her to their college campus (which seems fairly representative of how much he cares about her feelings whether they're together or not). She took him back, he proposed with a giant rock and now they've moved together to a city where they don't have any other friends (where she is not enjoying herself for various reasons). Is it my job, as a good friend, to politely suggest that her fiance is a tool, or is it my job, as a good friend, to support her until and unless she asks me directly for my opinion?
Also, question 2:
How do I nicely inform a friend that her bridesmaid dress choices are ugly?
Signed,
Wedding Drama
Dear Wedding Drama,
This is the sort of question that makes me wish I had a war room filled with statistical experts and a map with pushpins. I will just say simply: the odds are extremely low that you can save your friend.
Think of, say, deciding between 2 entrees at lunch. You could easily convince someone to have one entree over another because they're not terribly invested in the outcome and its a simple, rational decision. In contrast, your friend joins the ranks of the Flat Earth Society and Jocelyn Wildenstein. She's committed massive mental resources into convincing herself that an obviously bad idea is the Best Thing Ever. The thing about delusional people is that any well-meaning attempt to stop the person just reinforces the delusion. They have figured it out, you see, and everyone else is wrong!
Its not even that much of a stretch to see your friend's point of view. Her fiance was terrible but through the power of love, he saw the errors of his way and has completely turned a new leaf. Write 150 more pages about her drama and you'll have the plot of a dozen chick-lit novels.
I said there was a small chance, though. There might come a time before the wedding when her fiance does something so horrendous that her delusion breaks for a moment. I warn you, you might tell her the truth and she will still decide to go through with the wedding. In that case, she'll probably hate you. Some people are as unstoppable in their quest for heartbreak as a boulder rolling down a hill. For me the small chance wouldn't be worth it and I would step back from the situation until she 'hits bottom' on her own. Make no mistake, this is a very personal decision to make on your part.
As for the dress, that's much simpler. If she has committed to the dresses, it probably isn't practical to say anything, as she's probably already made arrangements for the invitations, flowers, etc in her colors. If she's happy, just let her be happy. Ugly bridesmaid dresses are part of the wedding tradition. Except for mine, of course, which are gorgeous.
I have a friend who is engaged and planning a wedding. Her relationship with her fiance has been kind of dramatic, including a break up of over a year in which he went around shit-talking her to their college campus (which seems fairly representative of how much he cares about her feelings whether they're together or not). She took him back, he proposed with a giant rock and now they've moved together to a city where they don't have any other friends (where she is not enjoying herself for various reasons). Is it my job, as a good friend, to politely suggest that her fiance is a tool, or is it my job, as a good friend, to support her until and unless she asks me directly for my opinion?
Also, question 2:
How do I nicely inform a friend that her bridesmaid dress choices are ugly?
Signed,
Wedding Drama
Dear Wedding Drama,
This is the sort of question that makes me wish I had a war room filled with statistical experts and a map with pushpins. I will just say simply: the odds are extremely low that you can save your friend.
Think of, say, deciding between 2 entrees at lunch. You could easily convince someone to have one entree over another because they're not terribly invested in the outcome and its a simple, rational decision. In contrast, your friend joins the ranks of the Flat Earth Society and Jocelyn Wildenstein. She's committed massive mental resources into convincing herself that an obviously bad idea is the Best Thing Ever. The thing about delusional people is that any well-meaning attempt to stop the person just reinforces the delusion. They have figured it out, you see, and everyone else is wrong!
Its not even that much of a stretch to see your friend's point of view. Her fiance was terrible but through the power of love, he saw the errors of his way and has completely turned a new leaf. Write 150 more pages about her drama and you'll have the plot of a dozen chick-lit novels.
I said there was a small chance, though. There might come a time before the wedding when her fiance does something so horrendous that her delusion breaks for a moment. I warn you, you might tell her the truth and she will still decide to go through with the wedding. In that case, she'll probably hate you. Some people are as unstoppable in their quest for heartbreak as a boulder rolling down a hill. For me the small chance wouldn't be worth it and I would step back from the situation until she 'hits bottom' on her own. Make no mistake, this is a very personal decision to make on your part.
As for the dress, that's much simpler. If she has committed to the dresses, it probably isn't practical to say anything, as she's probably already made arrangements for the invitations, flowers, etc in her colors. If she's happy, just let her be happy. Ugly bridesmaid dresses are part of the wedding tradition. Except for mine, of course, which are gorgeous.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Help...he's smothering me!!!
Dear Rosezilla,
I've started seeing this guy (2 dates), and things have been fine. I think I've made it pretty clear that I'm busy and I have a couple other casual relationships in addition to this gentleman. Still, we've just seen each other twice in one week and he already wants to meet up again. How do I get him to chill out a little?
Chilling out in Brooklyn
Dear Chilling,
I had to double-check that this letter was from a woman, since isn't this typically a man's problem? Most men I know would handle a situation like this by calling/texting less and less, while the woman becomes confused and starts calling/texting more and more. Before you know it, he's deleting desperate 'dont u like me!?!?' texts from his phone and she's left to pick up the pieces.
I don't know about you, but when I text or call a guy, I'm fairly ok with, 'I'm busy, but let's plan to hang out in a week or two.' Keep your time boundaries firm and its probably going to be fine...this guy is excited to go out with you and that's certainly not a bad thing.
If you find yourself negotiating your boundaries, i.e., you say one week, he says no, three days, then its simply time to redraw them. Have a frank talk or email that says firmly:
1. I like you and enjoy my time with you.
2. I'm busy.
3. I am not interested in a monogamous relationship and if he is, it's probably best to stop seeing each other for your mutual sanity.
I've started seeing this guy (2 dates), and things have been fine. I think I've made it pretty clear that I'm busy and I have a couple other casual relationships in addition to this gentleman. Still, we've just seen each other twice in one week and he already wants to meet up again. How do I get him to chill out a little?
Chilling out in Brooklyn
Dear Chilling,
I had to double-check that this letter was from a woman, since isn't this typically a man's problem? Most men I know would handle a situation like this by calling/texting less and less, while the woman becomes confused and starts calling/texting more and more. Before you know it, he's deleting desperate 'dont u like me!?!?' texts from his phone and she's left to pick up the pieces.
I don't know about you, but when I text or call a guy, I'm fairly ok with, 'I'm busy, but let's plan to hang out in a week or two.' Keep your time boundaries firm and its probably going to be fine...this guy is excited to go out with you and that's certainly not a bad thing.
If you find yourself negotiating your boundaries, i.e., you say one week, he says no, three days, then its simply time to redraw them. Have a frank talk or email that says firmly:
1. I like you and enjoy my time with you.
2. I'm busy.
3. I am not interested in a monogamous relationship and if he is, it's probably best to stop seeing each other for your mutual sanity.
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