Rosezilla

Some of the Girl's Guest Column

2008-06-25T14:34:00.001-04:00

I did a guest "Ask the Expert" column at Some of the Girl's recently. Read my column below:

Ask the Expert: The Rules

My name is Rosezilla and I'm writing an relationship/sex column for Some of the Girls. Let me take a moment to welcome....myself.

I wanted to dedicate my first column to a pet peeve of mine, the Rules. Whether its the book, columns like this, or women's personal rules, every woman seems to have a set.

The reason rules keep haunting us is that they mix great common sense with self-defeating ideas, a potent combination for the single woman. Let's take a look at the MSN colum, Why Guys Marry Some Girls (but Not Others), for some examples.

"Rule" One: She's Exciting and Always Evolving
Common Sense: Talk about the things you're passionate about and that make you unique, and don't look to a man to bring excitement into your life.
Self-Defeating Thought: That date you had last week, that never called? You didn't "act" exciting and mysterious enough. Take up mountain climbing and learn three languages immediately!

"Rule" Two: She Really, Really Loves Sex
Common Sense: Knowing your body and what turns you on, while having sex with someone you're really into, should drive both of you crazy.
Self-Defeating Thought: There's no magic moment when having sex for the first time is perfect, and it's often awkward...I head-butted my fiance so hard the first time, I thought he might pass out!

"Rule" Three: She Makes It Clear He's Not Her Entire Life
Common Sense: Get a life. No one wants a partner who hangs on them 24/7.
Self-Defeating Thought: You haven't played it cool enough and because you had dinner with him twice in one week, he's going to leave you.

"Rule" Four: ...Yet She Still Conveys How Very Important He Is to Her
Common Sense: The man you're dating should know you like him.
Self-Defeating Thought: But tell him the wrong way and he will leave you (see "rule" three)!

"Rule" Five: She Wants Him to Be the Best Man He Can Be
Common Sense: A couple should make each other better.
Self-Defeating Thought: You need to be a "mommy" while making sure that you "make it clear he's not your entire life".

Learn to divide the common sense from the self-defeating thoughts in your rules. In the end, your perfect man is far more likely to be turned off by self-hate than because you called too often.

Help...I'm being accused of wanting a "serious" relationship!

2008-06-12T14:11:00.002-04:00

Dear Rosezilla,

It's me, Chilling in Brooklyn, again. I took your advice and kept things low-key with the smothering guy. Suddenly, out of the blue, he wrote me a very serious email saying that I'm a "cool" girl but that he's working a lot and what's to keep things "casual" and is not looking for a "serious relationship". Obviously, considering my last email, I've been pretty clear that I'm not looking for a serious relationship and have done nothing to inspire an email like that. What should I write back?

Dear Chilling,

Ugh. One of my favorite lines of all time is, "cancel my subscription, I'm not interested in your issues."

Some people (ok, a lot of people), have issues. Baggage. I don't even want to guess what this guy's issues are, but he is a classic case:

1. Behave illogically.
2. Blame the other party.

I present to you 2 possible responses. Option 1 will probably destroy any chance of still seeing this man:

Well, let's see. I've stated on my personal ad that I was not interested in serious relationships. I've never said, 'hey let's talk about "us"' or ask for a key to your place or to meet your parents or have your kids. In fact, you're the one who has been wanting to go out all the time and acting "clingy".

There are a lot of men out there who have these "mini-relationships", where they create a relationship with a woman in their heads for a couple weeks or months and then suddenly dump the woman for being "too clingy". Perhaps you just have some other issues you're trying to work out with me.

Here on Planet Healthy Adult Relationships, people can talk and go out and be intimate without anxiety and guilt. You should visit sometime.

Option 2 is short and sweet:

.....................ok. As I've stated on numerous occasions that I'm not interested in a monogamous/"serious" relationship, I don't see how that would be a problem. I'd be interested to know what suddenly brought this about and I apologize if I haven't been clear on this in the past.

Good luck!

An Open Letter to Joel McHale

2008-06-09T11:37:00.002-04:00

Dear Joel (I like to think that you're the sort of guy who's ok with being on a first-name basis),

I just read your interview on The Onion. It was very funny, good work. I couldn't help but notice the part where there's only a dozen of you working on the Soup.

I know its unlikely that you will read this and give me a job as one of those people. I imagine those people are the kind of people who always win raffles and lotteries, with complete statistical abandon. I've only won a can of flea powder once. I have never owned a dog.

I wouldn't just be a dead-weight, pity case, either. I truly believe that I am very good at watching TV and being funny. Sure, on every career test I've taken, I've been advised to either be a social worker or truck driver, but with only 12 jobs working at the soup, I think the nice folks at the testing center just didn't want to get my hopes up. I also love Battlestar Galactica and the Tudors! We have so much in common, Joel.

I am a little afraid of having to fight Tyra, possibly in some sort of cagematch scenario. As one of 10 white people living in Harlem, I've developed an acute fear of tall, fierce black women. At some point when I was learning how to make caramel rolls in home-ec in my Minnesotan junior high school, my contemporaries in Harlem were learning Secrets of Ultimate Fighting Champions. I've seen a tiny black woman take down a 200-lb man like he was made of straw. Also, all the subway stairs here are frequently covered in chunks of weaves and/or blood, leading me to believe that there is some Harlem Black Women Fight Club.

Other than fighting Tyra, no task is too small for me to prove myself to you. I would be happy to work without pay, perhaps as your personal pedicurist or child's birthday clown? I would even be willing to wear a swan and stand outside the Today show everyday.

I'm not a hundred percent sure what qualifications are needed to work on the Soup. I have a bachelors degree from an esteemed university, so am I very good at using character spacing to make a paper reach a minimum page length. I am also very good at reading books under a desk. I also speak Japanese and Polish at a very poor level. I would certainly be able to get you medical care or a prostitute in either country. I have never met a printer I couldn't unjam!

Thank you very much for your time and consideration. I look forward to speaking with you soon.

Sincerely,
Rosezilla

Help....I'm Full of Fail!!!!

2008-06-05T18:40:00.003-04:00

Fortunately, all (three) Rosezilla readers are full of win! To prove it, I'm giving away a Prepara Chef's Center. This cool gadget holds your cookbook while you cook, protects it from "splatter" and even has an awesome conversion chart. Retail valued at $40, its free to a commenter who answers the following question:

If you were a vegetable, which veggie would you be?

(contest open until June 30th, winner will likely be chosen at random)

Help...I don't drink so I think anyone who does is an alcoholic!

2008-06-04T19:12:00.002-04:00

A few years ago, I went to teach for a summer in Europe. On the weekends, I would go to the town and have a few beers with a delicious dinner with my fellow teachers.

The Midwestern director of the camp was FURIOUS. In fact, she tried to give me AA pamphlets! To this day, I never drink alone and probably average a glass of wine or beer a week.

Hey America: teaching young people to appreciate alcohol, moderately enjoyed with good company and good meals, is the reason that Europeans don't have the rampant problems of college kids binge drinking (and driving). If your religion forbids it, that's fine, but please don't push your views on me.

This is all in response to a letter on Evil HR Lady. I pointed out that there are plenty of companies in America and plenty of countries, full stop, that allow a drink with lunch. But I guess that makes me a stupid alcoholic. Now that makes sense!

Help....My friend is marrying a jerk!!

2008-06-04T12:22:00.002-04:00

Dear Rosezilla,

I have a friend who is engaged and planning a wedding. Her relationship with her fiance has been kind of dramatic, including a break up of over a year in which he went around shit-talking her to their college campus (which seems fairly representative of how much he cares about her feelings whether they're together or not). She took him back, he proposed with a giant rock and now they've moved together to a city where they don't have any other friends (where she is not enjoying herself for various reasons). Is it my job, as a good friend, to politely suggest that her fiance is a tool, or is it my job, as a good friend, to support her until and unless she asks me directly for my opinion?

Also, question 2:
How do I nicely inform a friend that her bridesmaid dress choices are ugly?

Signed,
Wedding Drama

Dear Wedding Drama,

This is the sort of question that makes me wish I had a war room filled with statistical experts and a map with pushpins. I will just say simply: the odds are extremely low that you can save your friend.

Think of, say, deciding between 2 entrees at lunch. You could easily convince someone to have one entree over another because they're not terribly invested in the outcome and its a simple, rational decision. In contrast, your friend joins the ranks of the Flat Earth Society and Jocelyn Wildenstein. She's committed massive mental resources into convincing herself that an obviously bad idea is the Best Thing Ever. The thing about delusional people is that any well-meaning attempt to stop the person just reinforces the delusion. They have figured it out, you see, and everyone else is wrong!

Its not even that much of a stretch to see your friend's point of view. Her fiance was terrible but through the power of love, he saw the errors of his way and has completely turned a new leaf. Write 150 more pages about her drama and you'll have the plot of a dozen chick-lit novels.

I said there was a small chance, though. There might come a time before the wedding when her fiance does something so horrendous that her delusion breaks for a moment. I warn you, you might tell her the truth and she will still decide to go through with the wedding. In that case, she'll probably hate you. Some people are as unstoppable in their quest for heartbreak as a boulder rolling down a hill. For me the small chance wouldn't be worth it and I would step back from the situation until she 'hits bottom' on her own. Make no mistake, this is a very personal decision to make on your part.

As for the dress, that's much simpler. If she has committed to the dresses, it probably isn't practical to say anything, as she's probably already made arrangements for the invitations, flowers, etc in her colors. If she's happy, just let her be happy. Ugly bridesmaid dresses are part of the wedding tradition. Except for mine, of course, which are gorgeous.

Help...he's smothering me!!!

2008-06-02T15:23:00.004-04:00

Dear Rosezilla,

I've started seeing this guy (2 dates), and things have been fine. I think I've made it pretty clear that I'm busy and I have a couple other casual relationships in addition to this gentleman. Still, we've just seen each other twice in one week and he already wants to meet up again. How do I get him to chill out a little?

Chilling out in Brooklyn

Dear Chilling,

I had to double-check that this letter was from a woman, since isn't this typically a man's problem? Most men I know would handle a situation like this by calling/texting less and less, while the woman becomes confused and starts calling/texting more and more. Before you know it, he's deleting desperate 'dont u like me!?!?' texts from his phone and she's left to pick up the pieces.

I don't know about you, but when I text or call a guy, I'm fairly ok with, 'I'm busy, but let's plan to hang out in a week or two.' Keep your time boundaries firm and its probably going to be fine...this guy is excited to go out with you and that's certainly not a bad thing.

If you find yourself negotiating your boundaries, i.e., you say one week, he says no, three days, then its simply time to redraw them. Have a frank talk or email that says firmly:
1. I like you and enjoy my time with you.
2. I'm busy.
3. I am not interested in a monogamous relationship and if he is, it's probably best to stop seeing each other for your mutual sanity.

Helpful Websites: Bookmooch

2008-05-29T15:16:00.002-04:00

In case you don't know, Bookmooch is an amazing new website that facilitates book exchanges across the globe. Essentially you receive one book for every three you send out. It's free except for postage and the members are so warm and friendly!

Bookmooch

Help, I'm stalked by a boring lump!

2008-05-27T11:24:00.003-04:00

Dear Rosezilla,

I have a male friend from college with whom I've slept with in the past. I'll confess, he's an average friend and a mediocre lover. I keep almost forgetting about him until he turns up on my Facebook wall, etc. Last month he begged to stay at my place for Memorial Day weekend and I agreed.

There were two problems: one was that he had obviously come to see me and spend time with me and in general, took up my whole weekend. The second was that either I had suppressed all memories of his terribly boring personality, or someone very recently sucked out any interesting quality he may have had. This guy is b.o.r.i.n.g.

Here is my question: the next time he wants to come visit should I just tell him I'm not into him anymore, or should I lie and say I have a boyfriend or something?

-Bored to Tears

Hi Bored,

I'm sure a lot of people would take you task for letting this go on for so long....and then do the same thing themselves. Most people don't sit down and have frank discussions with people about their B.O., boredom level, or passive-aggressiveness. Conflict aversion is the backbone of society, so don't sweat it.

Absolutely, white lie until the last possible moment. simply tell him you're busy the weekend he wants to come. The boyfriend is tricky as he may ask your old college friends about it and he'll find out you're lying. Be creative and hopefully he'll lose interest after a few subtle rejections.

If you somehow work up the nerve, I'd tell him that he's boring. I feel like that is something a person may actually be able to fix about themselves and may thank you for. (Ok, that's unlikely.)

Out of questions

2008-05-22T11:42:00.001-04:00

If you're out there and reading rosezilla, please send me a question here:
rosezilla@rosezilla.com

Why does the MTA suck so hard?

2008-05-16T13:36:00.002-04:00

Dear Rosezilla:

Does the MTA intentionally run the express trains just a tad bit faster than the local trains so that when you need to transfer to the express you are greeted by closing train doors or a train just barely leaving the station?

Do they like playing God or do they do it because they are assholes? Or both?

Just wondering.

-MTA Lover

Dear MTA Lover,

I hate the MTA with the white-hot rage of a thousand suns going supernova.

Now, my mother is a civil servant. And I know plenty of working-class people have to work for the MTA. But I think everyone management level and higher should be taken to a small room and beaten with a heavy rubber hose.

At the highest levels, the MTA languishes under heavy, uninterrupted corruption that has no intention of ending soon. As we've seen with the City Council Discretionary Funding scandal, there's a whole lot of corruption in New York City. Unfortunately, while its obvious to us that a city with such terrible subway service and an annual budget of $7.2 billion plus $18.2 over 5 years for bridges/big contruction/etc. is obviously corrupt, it doesn't look like anyone is going to do anything about it soon.

Places like the DMV, forced labor camps, and the MTA tend to attract a particularly sadistic-type of person. To answer your question, yes, these people love to play God and inflict daily abuse on people. I'm sure their side hobbies include pushing over old people and kicking puppies.

Now, the "positive" and "constructive" thing to do would be to join the straphangers campaign and vote. Boring! I encourage you to start a rebel unit of MTA fighters who roam the subways holding open doors and passing out fliers that say, "MTA employees smell like donkeys!" That'll show 'em!

My polyamorous ways attract online sleezebags!

2008-05-15T14:33:00.002-04:00

Dear Rosezilla,

I have an online profile, and in the section of things I'm looking for, one of them is "play" aka, sex only. However, this causes sleazy, cheesy people to write to me and send unsolicited dick pictures, or try to get me to come over when we've never met in a public place. Should i just take that off the profile, and be lying about what I'm looking for?

Classy Vixen

Dear Vixen,

I would select both "play" and "dating" (but not "serious relationships"). In your profile, simply write:

"Please do not send me pictures of your genitalia, erotic novellas, or requests to meet in the basement of your serial killer's pad in the South Bronx. A tiny bit of class and common sense goes a long way."

I think that you may be coming up in the searches of a lot of indiscriminate men, the kind who spam the Internet with pants-less photos of themselves. Stay true to yourself; the good guys will shine through eventually!

I work with a jerk, help!

2008-05-13T15:30:00.000-04:00

Dear Rosezilla,

I work with a class-A jerk. He dumps work on me like I'm his assistant (I'm at the same level as him), he curses all the time, he goes into my space and takes office supplies. I've tried politely talking to him about it and he always blows me off under the guise of being a "charming cad". It's a small company and my boss is indifferent. What can I do!?

Works with a Jerk

Dear Works,

I once worked with a horrible, horrible ex-alcoholic who started the day cursing at the top of his lungs and slamming doors and drawers. He physically shoved female coworkers, he used the word "nigger", he is the most despicable person I know. After a couple months of daily battle, he assaulted me and when I complained, I was asked to leave.

While most of us wouldn't move to Darfur, we somehow put up with employment at a toxic company. Just as there are bitter, war-torn, ravaged countries, so there are bitter, war-torn, ravaged companies. Common sense tells us that the market rewards well-run businesses while ill-run businesses go out of business.

A company can have rampant abuse, discrimination, terrible or lack of business strategy and constant turnover and losses and still stay in business. For years.

Of course, at least some of toxic business is illegal. If you could afford a lawyer, you probably wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

The best case scenario for you, as it was for me, is probably to have him do something so egregious that you can at least get unemployment, if not severance. Document everything, be knowledgeable about employment law, then get the hell out of there.

Put some time into researching and recognizing abusive behavior. Since companies like this aren't going away soon (like abusive men!), the best you can do is learn to avoid them. Like the plague!

How Do I have A Vaginal Orgasm?

2008-05-12T09:14:00.000-04:00

Dear Rosezilla I am a 29 year old female and I have never had an orgasm during sex. I can make myself come on my own but I can never during intercourse. I am slightly over weight but eat healthy and workout. I have read that not being healthy can decrease your changes in having an orgasm. I know that a lot of it is in my head because of what happened to me when I was younger. But I would like to get past it and actually come. Please help. Unsatisfied in Brooklyn

Dear Unsatisfied,

First, know that you are not alone. Vaginal orgasms are really rare and a large percentage of women don't have them ever, including me. There's some perception out there that clitoral orgasms are just "ok", whereas vaginal is going to make you blackout and have visions of walking on the ocean with Jesus. I'm skeptical. To me, it seems like a lot of work for similar results.

From my extensive research, vaginal orgasms happen late in life, at absolute random. Read about 2 such experiences here and here. So, I say do nothing. If you lay there, it will come. Or it won't, no biggie.

To protect myself from being accused of giving a cop-out answer, here's some resources that may or may not help:

Wellness/Tantric Retreats:
Omega: Retreat Center
Tantra Retreat on St. John
Costa Rica Tantra Retreat
Intimacy Retreats

Sex Therapy in New York:
sextherapyny.com
NY Times Article

Should you have sex before marriage?

2008-05-07T10:18:00.000-04:00

I just finished reading this letter by a woman who had had two sexual partners, but tried to religiously reset herself with her boyfriend until they got married....and now he's obviously gay or asexual.

Here's the Rosezilla Guide to Sex Before Marriage:

1. Either stay committed and don't have sex AT ALL before marriage...

2. Or make sure you have sex with your spouse before you get married.

'But Rosezilla!' I hear you cry, 'I was a street hooker and now I'm born-again!'

Tough. Do you want to end up like this woman? As cleansing as God's forgiveness is, He can never wipe out your frame of reference. Do it, ask for God's forgiveness, and save yourself from spending the rest of your life with Two-Pump Jim. Seriously, I'm 100% sure that this is what Jesus would do.

Why are some people completely amoral?

2008-05-06T09:12:00.000-04:00

There's an interesting letter up at Since You Asked. A woman is concerned for her friend who repeatedly gets very drunk and has unprotected sex with people, and doesn't tell her boyfriend.

Am I the only one who thinks that you have to be completely amoral to not tell the boyfriend? Even if she didn't have a boyfriend, wouldn't it be wise to tell the woman, frankly: If you want to party a lot and have wild sex, that's 100% cool. But every time this happens, you leave us at the bar, end up somewhere, and then call in the middle of the night for help. The next day you blame us. If you have a problem, we're enabling you. If you don't, you need to find a better way to party. Either way, if you ever need us to help you positively, we will always love you and be there for you.

Thoughts?

Help, I'm undervalued!

2008-04-30T16:25:00.000-04:00

Dear Rosezilla,

My family is wealthy and prestigious. I am a member of MENSA and I have a degree is neuroscience and theology from an Ivy League school. I'm multi-lingual and have excellent hygiene.

Yet, I find myself working at a computer help desk, making barely $50,000 a year. How did I miss the gravy train to wealth town?

-Undervalued

Dear Undervalued,

If you simply want to make money, become an ibanker or consultant. Try DE Shaw, they're hiring bright young people like yourself.

I'm not a blue blood or intellectual, but I know plenty of normal folk who seem constantly blessed by life. If there's a raffle, they win. If they're laid-off, they're hired by a better company in a week.

I can only assume that you, like me, are not one of those people. So, you're going to have to put in considerable work to get a high-paying job: medical school, law school, constant rejections, crappy bosses, work that turns out to be miserable. For every 100 units of mental energy you put into your efforts to self-improve, you're lucky to get 5 back. And then you might get laid-off. Life is a series of meat grinders in an ocean of acid.

One other thing. I would guess that you don't know what you want to be when you grow up. Those lottery-winning, happy-go-lucky fools know they want to be doctors or firemen from the time they're 5, but the rest of us haven't got a clue. For us, I think the only thing to do is fake it. Pick something out of a hat, pretend its your life-long dream, and go with it.

Why don't cops pull over speeding motorcycles?

2008-04-29T16:25:00.000-04:00

Dear Rosezilla,

I always see motorcyclists driving WAY faster than regular cars on surface roads and on highways. So why don't I ever see motorcyclists getting speeding tickets?

-CONFUSED COMMUTER

Dear CC,

There was an interesting quote from an aerospace engineer about Battlestar Galacticta. The space fighter pilots on that show (and many others: Star Trek, Star Wars, etc) engage in dogfights with their enemies in, what we are told, are highly powerful, maneuverable little space ships.

The truth, of course, is that since there is no air in space, a borg cube is exactly as fast and maneuverable as an equally powered "sleek fighting ship".

Back on Earth, there are two things that couldn't be more affected by air, gravity, weight, velocity: a Honda "crotch rocket" motorcycle and a 4020 pound Ford Crown Victoria Police Interceptor. The interceptor goes 140mph and the Honda goes over 180mph. Light and small, cops choosing to chase motorcycles know there is a far greater risk of serious accidents.

The same mentality can apply to people driving sports cars, but with little motorcycles being very affordable and harder to track down, their drivers are younger and more inclined to take risks.

Although many police and sheriffs offices have motorcycle patrols and undercover high-speed cars, ultimately the high rate of accidents and death involved in reckless motorcycle driving probably tend to even everything out in the end.

-Rosezilla

Great Advice

2008-04-29T16:10:00.000-04:00

Rosezilla is born not out of necessarily wanting to give advice (although I do), its from a love of advice columns. I've read them all my life, Dan Savage to Dear Prudence, to everyone in between.

Today I really got into reading Old Schooled. Its a regular column in Time Out NY, where "old" people answer random questions from readers. Check it out!

-Rosezilla

I'm poor and I want to date online...

2008-04-24T13:38:00.000-04:00

Dear Rosezilla,

I live in New York and I'd like to meet more guys to go out with. It seems like everyone here is into online dating, singles parties, speed dating, etc.

I'm just starting out at my first job and I don't make a lot of money. What are my best options for meeting men? I want to try online dating, but there are so many (expensive) choices!

-Dazed Dater

Dear Dazed,

I have a friend who is incredibly desperate to find her "soulmate", and has a very rigid set of criteria about how she will meet men (it has to be "organic" and she needs to "smell them".)

Comparatively, your financial situation is a minuscule barrier to your successful future in dating, online or otherwise. In fact, I was in a very similar situation when I met my fiance through Match.com.

In my biased experience, Match provided a pretty big selection of Non-Weird Males. In contrast, I found Nerve and Yahoo men were considerably more into, shall we say, "short-term dating". Which is great, if that's what you're looking for.

Eharmony rejected me, but I've heard that people on there try to have their entire relationships online. Some of the best advice I can give you when starting online dating is to keep a tight cap on emailing back and forth, and meet in a safe public space as soon as possible.

The classic rookie mistake that everyone makes is hitting it off with someone online (sometimes for months) and then meeting up to have zero chemistry. In contrast, someone you might find seems a little bit dull in their profile may have that amazing spark, or at least really great breath. You just can't tell online.

I've found speed dating and singles clubs or parties to be too much like that cliche of the "desperate single".

As I said, I'm biased about my recommendation, since Match worked (well) for me. Ask people you trust, or on online forums like Yelp or Facebook. Also, almost all of those online dating sites let you sign-up for free, for some of the features. Explore and have fun!

How do I get out of annoying wine tasting parties?

2008-04-23T13:31:00.000-04:00

Dear Rosezilla:

I have this friend who I used to hang out with a lot in college. We don't have that much in common any more, but she still wants to hang with me all the time. That would be okay, but her friends are really lame. She keeps asking me to wine tasting parties with all her married friends who act like I'm a leper because I'm not married with kids. She lives in Eagan. Enough said.

I would just like to blow her off, but another really good friend is relying on her to provide her with cheap plane tickets for her wedding in six months. She's begged me to at least stay on good terms with her for a while longer. (Of course, being engaged my friend doesn't have to suffer the same level of scrutiny and hell that I do at these wine tastings.) Help. I have another one of these wine tastings coming up soon. Can you help me with an excuse?

Thanks,
Anne in St. Paul

Dear Anne,

It seems to me that you've got a golden opportunity here! I gathered from your letter that you two aren't so much "friends", as that she enjoys a warm body for her new hobby, wine tasting. Therefore, you don't have to find an excuse not to spend time with her, but with wine. Here is a brief list of reasons you can't come to her next wine tasting:

Finding out you have a red wine allergy
Any number of infections: Lyme disease, ear, MRSA, strep, which requires you to take a long course of antibiotics. You can't mix antibiotics and alcohol!
People taking Accutane are encouraged not to drink alcohol
People with Mono can't drink, as well as certain types of diabetes
People on certain anti-depressants can't drink (for the sake of appearances, a simple 'oh, I've started some new medication and can't drink' should suffice.)

In the meantime, call or email at least once a month to invite her to something you really, really like to do. Either she'll come and you may actually find you have something in common, or she won't, and you'll still be a Friend in Good Standing.

Depending on how tight-knit your friend circle is, you should probably lean towards the antibiotics/medications excuse. As good as the "red wine allergy" white lie is, you don't want to be paranoid about drinking Cabernet in public for the rest of your life.

Should I cut off my accidental love?

2008-04-22T15:10:00.000-04:00

Dear Rosezilla,

I met man we'll call Jose, several months ago. I'm not really a monogamist, so we had a casual sexual relationship. Out of the blue one day, I developed feelings for Jose and before I knew it, I was madly in love. Suddenly, Jose told me had to move far away, and that was the end of our relationship.

Later I found out that he had moved with a "girlfriend". I also know he checks my personal blog often and knows my feelings. We still email and chat from time to time, but should I cut him off completely?

-Accidental Love Victim

Dear Accidental,

Short answer: yes.

Long answer, including the why and how:

You fell in love. It happens. Don't beat yourself up over it. I'm sure other people would diagnose you with daddy issues, self-esteem issues, depression, who-knows-what.

The truth is oxytocin. The cuddle hormone. Women especially, just casually have an orgasm or breastfeed and suddenly, BAM!, the body floods with oxytocin like a toilet flushing.

Guys have oxytocin too, but while men sleeping around and then suddenly falling around is a fundamental rite of passage for any American man, yours is a cautionary tale of loose women. Booga booga.

There's much more to this story, of course. Whispered pillow talk, his eyes in the gentle, afternoon sunlight, his job as a life-saving orphan-healer. That's not going to help you here. All you need to understand is that when you think or speak or have sex with Jose, your body floods with oyxtocin.

The only problem here is that Jose is not the most honest guy in the world. And he isn't in love with you. And he enjoys the attention of your adoring, uncontrollable love.

You could torture yourself waiting for the next time Jose texts or calls or shows up in your stat counter, for the feel-good rush, or you could get rid of Jose and stick to far more reliable sources of happiness like puppies and ice cream.

Now for the 'how':

Block Jose from your email and chat. Don't just delete...Block. Delete him off your phone, or block him if you can. Go into stat counter and block his IP address. Genuinely do all the things possible to block him from contacting you, not just half-assedly delete him for the double-rush when he contacts you anyway.

Give yourself a week to do nothing Jose-related. At the end of the week, give yourself a reward. Next give yourself 2 weeks. Then a month.

Somewhere in this cold turkey rehab, you're going to try to test yourself by contacting him. Don't do it! Because right after the "urge to test yourself" phase, comes that week when you realize you haven't thought of him at all. Then 2 weeks.

Until one day you think, 'Cutting this guy off was so easy, I don't know why I got so worked up over him.'